Thursday, April 17, 2014

It was the last supper, but who was to know?

The Christian Easter and Jewish Passover always happen at the same time of year for a very good reason –- and it’s not just so Christians can taunt Jews with moist sweet hot cross buns made of flour, while Jews taunt Christians with dry unleavened Matzo crackers made from Polyfilla Exterior.

It’s because Jesus was Jewish and the last supper was actually a Passover meal. And if it was anything like most Passover meals in most Jewish households, it may have gone something like this ...

Judas was exhausted. He’d spent the day cooking gefilte fish, chicken soup, beef brisket (extra lean for Apostle Thaddeus who’s been conscious about his weight since someone called him ''Apostle Fattiest'' at the local bathhouse). An eggplant dish for Simon The Zealot who’d recently become a hardline vegan (typical Simon, once he committed to something, he just wouldn’t budge).

5:30pm guests started arriving. First was Apostle Matthew the Tax-Collector. Nice fellow, ran a small accountancy firm in Jerusalem, ''The Chartered Ones''. He’d brought a gift of flourless Passover biscuits from Schnookie’s Cookies but said it was a massive rip-off. They were just regular flourless biscuits but, come Passover, the price goes up five shekels. He made a mental note to audit Schnookie’s next tax lodgment.


James the Greater arrived next. Great guy. He gave Judas a big hug and complimented him on the decor (particularly the table, hired from Shlomo’s Trestle-Table Party-Hire). James the Lesser followed behind: he just sat down, moaning about why everyone had to sit on only one side of the table; ''It’s not like we’re going to be painted one day in a panoramic depiction, is it? Pffff. Ridiculous.'' Judas didn’t know why he invited him every year, but you can’t invite The Greater and not invite The Lesser. Passover-invitation etiquette can be so tricky.

The rest of the apostles arrived on a maxi-donkey taxi: they apologised for being late, the footy traffic was a nightmare. Doubting Thomas worried there were not enough fold-out chairs for everyone, but Apostle Bartholomew found a couple of small crates in the back and bulked them up with copies of the Old Testament. Nobody was using those any more. 

A knock at the door. Judas opened it: ''Jesus! We’ve been waiting ages!'' As always, Jesus took his seat in the middle of the table and the ceremony began –- they all read from the Passover text, drank wine, got a bit tipsy, then the usual Passover shenanigans began. Apostle John did a hilarious trick on Apostle Simon involving a bowl of hot horseradish and a soup ladle. Apostle Andrew delivered his old gag about how ''Moses went forth and came fifth'', a real eye-roller. Things were getting rowdy: they were behaving like drunken yobbos at a Corinthians under-19s' footy bash (Apostle Peter decided to report it in his Epistle Of The Pissed Apostle). 

Just then Jesus silenced them, announcing he had a prediction: ''Someone here will betray me!'' Nobody knew what that meant, but Apostle Philip said he also had a prediction: ''One day, some bozo named Dan Brown will write a best-selling book, suggesting that this table’s seating arrangement is an archetypal symbol of female genitalia! Let’s all lean in funny directions, play along with it!''

The Passover ceremony wound up. The Apostles headed home on the back streets (avoiding the police booze-camel). Jesus said goodbye to Judas at the door; ''Thank you for this last supper.'' Judas said, ''Well it won’t be the last one, Jesus. We’ll have plenty more suppers together!'' And with that, Judas farewelled him with a friendly, heartfelt Judas kiss. 

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