Killing Supermarket Coles the HALAL Way

 

 

I have never checked my Aussie smoked salmon for that rotten little Arab sign denoting halal certification. But there it was, that little circled bit of calligraphy (which probably says ‘sucked in’) was on my Tassel Tasmanian smoked salmon. I mean seriously, HTF can a fish be halal? Does the damned boat need to be facing Mecca when you're gutting the bloody thing?

You can dodge halal certified food this Spring with a little piece of dirt, a bit of compost and a little enjoyable effort. It will slash your grocery bill and avoid the tortuous task of searching for non-halal items on supermarket shelves. 

If every back yard was given over to self-sufficiency in food, Coles and Woollies would be as dead as their hormone loaded, formerly grey, carbon monoxide treated, halal slaughtered meat.

[Carbon monoxide is an odourless, colourless and poisonous gas that is undetectable and turns grey meat bright red and they are allowed to do it.]

Every vegetable known to man can be grown in the back yard (some grow better in winter) and they can be preserved if you have a bumper crop. If you're short on space, get some Besser blocks or grab some hydroponic guttering and use nutrients.  

Nanny goats and sheep keep lawns mown and fresh eggs are dead easy with the chook poop returned to the veggie garden. And if you ever get to taste fresh goats’ milk you will never return to that corrupted cow juice sold in supermarkets. My 11 kids were all brought up on it. And you should taste the cream and ice cream... yummy.

If you don’t have fruit trees, take a visit to one of the many farmers’ markets. But go late, when they give produce away rather than cart it home. 

I’m fortunate, I live on the water and have an abundance of fish and mud crabs. Do you need soft drinks? It’s amazing what you can do with a bit of ginger which grows like topsy in a garden pot, Herbs? Well that’s easy.

Tomatoes? You can grow the real Grosse Lisse on trellis and Cherry tomatoes in your kitchen. Bread and damper? No problem. Butter? Well, it’s hardly worth buying a churn but make sure you get real butter and not that margarine crap, which is actually grey but coloured yellow to deceive you, and it’s only one molecule shy of plastic. Beer is easy. Biscuits and cakes are easy too.

Meat? Well it’s right there in the back yard. Fresh lamb, chicken and goat meat is unadulterated and delicious. And if you are happy to do your own slaughtering don’t ever face Mecca and kill it the halal way, it’s far too cruel. 

If you’re too squeamish, phone the local butcher, do a deal, then stack the freezer and tan the skins for floor mats.

Good reds and whites you’ll need to purchase but if you like good tobacco then get your seeds on-line from Bulgaria. My plants are almost ready to rack dry. 

I’ll be buggered if I’ll pay $50 for 40c worth of tobacco in a packet depicting my bloody toes falling off and my eyes falling out. 

They reckon growing tobacco is illegal. Really? Well they can all go and get properly fornicated.

Now for insects and pests: Certain flowers including marigolds and lavender will piss them off and I use a good leaf spray made from crushed garlic and soap... just add water. 

You can avoid this outrageous halal extortion racket and put pressure on supermarkets to resist Islamic standover tactics at the same time as enjoying fresh food you’ve grown and prepared yourself.

Yum yum, pig's bum! 

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