The Christian
Easter and Jewish Passover always happen at the same time of year for a very
good reason –- and it’s not just so Christians can taunt Jews with moist sweet
hot cross buns made of flour, while Jews taunt Christians with dry unleavened
Matzo crackers made from Polyfilla Exterior.
It’s because Jesus
was Jewish and the last supper was actually a Passover meal. And if it was
anything like most Passover meals in most Jewish households, it may have gone
something like this ...
Judas was exhausted.
He’d spent the day cooking gefilte fish, chicken soup, beef brisket (extra lean
for Apostle Thaddeus who’s been conscious about his weight since someone called
him ''Apostle Fattiest'' at the local bathhouse). An eggplant dish for Simon
The Zealot who’d recently become a hardline vegan (typical Simon, once he
committed to something, he just wouldn’t budge).
5:30pm guests started
arriving. First was Apostle Matthew the Tax-Collector. Nice fellow, ran a small
accountancy firm in Jerusalem, ''The Chartered Ones''. He’d brought a gift of
flourless Passover biscuits from Schnookie’s Cookies but said it was a massive
rip-off. They were just regular flourless biscuits but, come Passover, the
price goes up five shekels. He made a mental note to audit Schnookie’s next tax
lodgment.
James the Greater
arrived next. Great guy. He gave Judas a big hug and complimented him on the
decor (particularly the table, hired from Shlomo’s Trestle-Table Party-Hire).
James the Lesser followed behind: he just sat down, moaning about why everyone
had to sit on only one side of the table; ''It’s not like we’re going to be
painted one day in a panoramic depiction, is it? Pffff. Ridiculous.'' Judas
didn’t know why he invited him every year, but you can’t invite The Greater and
not invite The Lesser. Passover-invitation etiquette can be so tricky.
The rest of the
apostles arrived on a maxi-donkey taxi: they apologised for being late, the
footy traffic was a nightmare. Doubting Thomas worried there were not enough
fold-out chairs for everyone, but Apostle Bartholomew found a couple of small
crates in the back and bulked them up with copies of the Old Testament. Nobody
was using those any more.
A knock at the door.
Judas opened it: ''Jesus! We’ve been waiting ages!'' As always, Jesus took his
seat in the middle of the table and the ceremony began –- they all read from
the Passover text, drank wine, got a bit tipsy, then the usual Passover
shenanigans began. Apostle John did a hilarious trick on Apostle Simon
involving a bowl of hot horseradish and a soup ladle. Apostle Andrew delivered
his old gag about how ''Moses went forth and came fifth'', a real eye-roller.
Things were getting rowdy: they were behaving like drunken yobbos at a
Corinthians under-19s' footy bash (Apostle Peter decided to report it in his
Epistle Of The Pissed Apostle).
Just then Jesus
silenced them, announcing he had a prediction: ''Someone here will betray me!''
Nobody knew what that meant, but Apostle Philip said he also had a prediction:
''One day, some bozo named Dan Brown will write a best-selling book, suggesting
that this table’s seating arrangement is an archetypal symbol of female
genitalia! Let’s all lean in funny directions, play along with it!''
The Passover ceremony
wound up. The Apostles headed home on the back streets (avoiding the police
booze-camel). Jesus said goodbye to Judas at the door; ''Thank you for this
last supper.'' Judas said, ''Well it won’t be the last one, Jesus. We’ll have
plenty more suppers together!'' And with that, Judas farewelled him with a
friendly, heartfelt Judas kiss.
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